My Bathroom Has Never Been This Dirty -or- Why I Am Not A Serial Killer

I am fascinated by serial killers. Not fascinated in a way that makes me want to emulate them at all, but fascinated most specifically in the nonchalant manner in which they describe the violence and depravity they have engaged in, like it was just part of a normal day--"Well, I woke up in the morning, made breakfast, combed my hair and repeatedly sodomized the corpse stuffed in my closet. Just a usual Tuesday." I can never quite get my head around how a person can operate like that, undetected, for what is often close to a decade or more. This general mentality of serial killers as a whole is what draws me in. That and the fact they look like run-of-the-mill citizens whose neighbors and friends are always nearly in shock when a serial killer gets caught (Ted Bundy had girlfriends and attended law school; Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer, worked for his church, was married, etc.) They almost invariably had Dickensian-like upbringings rife with violence and horrible abuse, often at the hands of a family member. You want to feel sorry for them (or at least I do, initially) but many people are raised like this and turn out to be ok, or at least don't grow up and slice prostitutes to ribbons in their spare time, so it's impossible to have any empathy for them at all.

I suppose admitting this says more about me than I would like it to, I contend it doesn't mean anything but the dozen or so books on serial killers I own might say differently, "Some people read Danielle Steele, it's not what I like to read." is a standard argument but that doesn't leave me as much in the clear as I'd like it to, I don't think. Other people aren't fascinated by these people like I am, unless they study them for a living and one person that does has his own TV show. He is a forensic psychologist named Michael Stone and the way he talks about these people and their actions, he seems like a serial killer himself. He's detached and clinical, I suppose he needs to be in order to be good at his job, though.

I happened to be watching it today and child killer Westley Allan Dodd was featured among others. Then they got to Dahmer. You and I have seen plenty about this man, I'm sure. Just in case, here's a quick recap: he operated in Milwaukee during the early 1990s. He kidnapped somewhere in the neighborhood of two dozen people, tried to turn them into zombies by drugging them, drilling holes in their heads and pouring acid into their skulls. Inevitably, they died or he finished them off. He often ate parts of them including their genitals. Disgusted yet? Yeah, it's harsh stuff. Even within this breed of people, Dahmer is pretty outer limits. There are killers who behaved worse, to be sure, but the sheer luridness, for lack of a better word, of his crimes is what makes them so memorable. It made for great copy in newspapers the world over. He just wanted a companion, he said, but that desire, along with being a guilt-ridden, self-loathing homosexual and having a pretty terrible upbringing (sexual abuse by a family friend, picked on mercilessly at school, etc.) all converged and created a monster.

None of the details of his crimes, save for one, stuck out this time, though. I had heard about all of them and am sort of unfazed when they are listed off at this point, having read several books with him featured in a chapter or two and one that was specifically about him that somehow missed this little tidbit. In the context of the rest of the gore he was responsible for, it seems relatively innocuous and sort of logical, really. Toward the end of his little reign of terror he would shower with two or three corpses in his tub. This is possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever heard and, luckily this time, this says more about me than I want it to. I am a fairly clean person. I am also a compassionate person, I think. Among all of the other serial killer-associated behaviors I am not capable of (assaulting women, animal torture, necrophilia, etc.) I just could not shower with a corpse and I'm glad that this says something about me. Sure, I read about and watch shows about serial killers more than your average person does. Acting out or emulating any of their crimes is out of the question, though, and chief among these things is showering with dead people. Among all of the disgusting acts that serial killers engage in, this one is almost too much too handle. The rest of it I can separate myself from a little when I read or hear about it and am able to digest the details without getting sick, but the thought of cleaning myself while two or three pairs of dead eyes look on is just too horrifying to dwell on. You have nothing to worry about, I promise not to kill you.